“Life is great! Everything is SO good right now. My daughter’s grades are fine, my son did well with soccer, my dad’s health is getting better, and my husband is getting closer to finding a job. I’m not even sure why I can be here today,” exclaimed Matilda.
“Wait,” I asked, “Talia’s passing her classes?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that, but she’s getting better.” Matilda looked out the sliding door at the creek, avoiding my eyes.
“What do you mean, she’s getting better?” I pushed.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Matilda snapped. “I think her grades are going up, but honestly I can’t keep track. Between my son having constant meltdowns, my husband living on the couch and my Dad calling me every other day with a new problem, I really have no idea. But it’s all ok! I’m focusing on manifesting the positive, and I know it’ll all work out in the end.”
“I’m confused,” I gently responded. “It sounds like life is overwhelming, challenging, and painful right now.”
Research has shown that consistently saying we feel positive and smiling when we feel the opposite is in fact emotionally confusing, both to ourselves and to others around us. Over time the in-congruence can contribute to experiencing more difficult emotional states, as well as discouraging people from offering support that is needed.
“I don’t know,” said Matilda, “I just thought I was supposed to fake it ’til I make it. Don’t you make yourself feel better by smiling, even if you feel terrible?”
Joseph sunk into the chair with a sigh, immediately moving around as he tried to get comfortable. “It’s at that point with my chemo that no matter how I sit, I’m hurting. It’s a part of the process,” he quietly noted.
Joseph started coming to counseling when he received a cancer diagnosis, looking for tools and coping skills to address the psychological impact of long term illness. “I’ve been doing the weekly gratitude list for a few weeks now,” he mentioned. “It’s not as hard as I thought it would be.”
Gratitude is a much-researched topic and early on we explored a variety of intervention ideas. The basic formula is to set a specific time goal (e.g. once a week, every morning, every other day), choose your preferred medium (write, type, draw, record a voice memo, sculpt, take a photograph, pray, paint, create a video), and set a specific amount (three sentences, four sketches, six words). Then try this new habit for 10 weeks. Some studies show people feel more optimistic, better about their lives, and may even exercise more and have less visits to the doctor.
Joseph continued, “I notice no matter how hard my day is, if I pause with my morning cup of coffee as the sun comes up, I can think of a couple of sentences to write in my journal. It sets the tone for my day, and helps me look out for the positive in the midst of all these medical appointments and procedures.”
Genuine expressions of gratitude, no matter how small, can positively impact our mental health. Take time this season to write a note of thanks to a family member, go on a meditative walk outside, noticing the beauty of nature, or put one daily word of gratitude on your calendar.
And, when you’re having a difficult time, make sure to clearly express yourself to friends and family around you. Pretending everything is “fine” when in fact life is challenging means the people who love you can’t offer support and resources.
I’d love to hear from you about your own experiences with gratitude at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/ peaktopeakcounselingservices.
