“How often do you see your parents?” I asked Missy, a new Millennial client.
“Oh, you know,” she answered evasively. I waited, but she didn’t continue.
“What does that mean?” I wondered out loud.
“I mean, they’re fine,” explained Missy. “My childhood was OK. No trauma or anything. But they live out of state and I’d rather spend my time off actually relaxing, on adventures, or spending holidays with people I genuinely connect with.”
The Millennial generation (those ages 26 to 41) are the first generation as a group to create very strong boundaries with family members, to the point of cutting ties completely (family estrangement).
1995 brought about the idea of toxic relationships, which older Millennials soon connected with, both personally and professionally. Psychology Today shares research that indicates that one in four people experience estrangement from a family member, and one in 10 Americans have decided to cut off a parent or child.
Sophie, a Baby Boomer (those 60 to78), was in counseling to understand and implement her legacy.
“I grew up in the midwest on a farm, and my parents were tough, salt-of-the-earth people,” Sophie began. “I thought I had a good childhood until I had children of my own, and then I realized my parents were very hard on us. My father would punish us when he came home from the bar, and my mother was often ‘tired.’ She went to her room with headaches and my older sister and I had to take care of the house—cooking, cleaning, managing our siblings, even paying the bills.”
“It sounds really difficult Sophie. How did you handle your relationship with your parents once you realized the extent of their abuse?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t do much,” Sophie paused. “I made sure our kids were never alone with them, but that’s about it. Abuse? That’s a strong word. They had a tough life and didn’t have many resources. But they were my parents. We still spent every holiday with them.”
Millennials and Gen Zers are the most likely generations to go into therapy. The Thriving Center for Psychology survey reports that 55% have attended, and 90% of them believe more people should go to therapy.
In the past, the field of psychology tended to recommend cutting off family members only in extreme circumstances, such as continuing physical abuse.
However, with Millennials coming of age, they began to question the status quo. What if they didn’t want to go home for every major holiday? What if they stopped eating Grandma’s traditional ham and potatoes? What if they noticed after visiting family that their mood was lower, they felt tired, worn out or stressed? What if who they were was continually ignored or even ridiculed?
Millennials remind us that we can value our own mental health over family ties, take the time to advocate for our needs, and to set and follow through on strong boundaries when necessary.
Here are a few tools if we find ourselves in challenging family dynamics and need to make some changes. As a reminder, safety is always number one and needs to be the first consideration!
Assuming safety is in place: 1) Clearly and concisely communicate needs and necessary boundaries. 2) Follow through on boundaries if they’re crossed. 3) Reach out for support from other family members, friends, and community. We all need a village! 4) Adjust, communicate, and follow through as needed.
Finally, as a Millennial reminded me recently, Baby Boomers can be models of flexibility and acceptance, as they kept the bigger picture in mind when interacting with their challenging family members over the years. Research shows that family estrangements are not necessarily permanent, and they can range from a few months to decades.
Where do you need some shifts in your own family dynamics? I’d love to hear about your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454. You can always find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.
